Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, or want to do well, we are unsuccessful in relationships. Be it with family, friends, colleagues or romantic partners. This can make us feel like we’re not good enough, not pretty enough, not funny enough….. just not enough. Or maybe that’s just me?
I can be sensitive, I never thought I was, but it was pointed out to me that I am (not negatively pointed out mind you). I am sensitive to other people’s moods, their actions and even sometimes just their energy. I deal with some level of social anxiety and am always worried that I’ve done something to upset others, or that others won’t like me.
I have an idea where this fear came from, and I’m certain that I’m guilty of the whole self-fulfilling prophecy, where I do things subconsciously to create the scenarios that I’m worried about. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that every situation that doesn’t work out is completely my fault, but when it comes to social interactions, I’m sure I play a big role in it.
I worry that others won’t like me or that I’ll do something wrong and ruin everything and so I become more introverted. I tend to keep to myself, not reaching out to have conversations with others and end up feeling lonely and like I don’t fit in.
According to the American Psychological Association, studies have shown that the pain experienced with rejection can be compared to that of physical pain. So it’s no wonder that if you’ve experienced enough of it you’d shy away from experiencing more of it.
Human beings are social creatures, we crave social connections, so it can become very isolating when you start to withdraw because you’re afraid that you don’t or won’t fit in.
The numerous articles that I’ve read on the topic have expressed that, if you don’t gain control over this fear of rejection, it can potentially get worse as you get older. I started to reflect on this. I considered more recent social interactions that I’ve had and how I emotionally deal with them.
I’ve realized the following:
- I’m a people pleaser, I want to do everything and anything I can to make people happy
- I am very tough on myself, things that I would accept from others, I attribute to making me feel like a failure
- I start to look for reasons (not consciously) that people may not like me
- I start to look for signs in other people’s behaviour (that are likely not even directed at me) that validate the feelings that I’m having
I’m sure there’s more, but as you can imagine these things can impact all aspects of my day to day. How I interact with others, my level of motivation to participate in social situations, it’s even impacted my level of desire to write these posts, which, initially, I was super excited about.
So, what can I do about it?
Well, I’m going to summarize some of the common tips expressed in the many articles that talk about this:
FACING YOUR FEAR:
Although avoiding social interactions or withdrawing feels like a good idea, I mean, if you don’t interact with people, then you are not likely to have to experience those tough emotions right? It can actually increase the feelings in a couple of ways. The less you interact with others, the more likely you are to not get invited to that next event, gathering etc. This in turn, you guessed it, will lead to feeling rejected, which will make you want to avoid these things and so on and so forth.
The other downside to avoidance is that it can make you more sensitive to the tough emotions in the circumstances where you do need to interact with others (think work, family, the store etc). Which can increase both the frequency and the strength of the tough feelings in other circumstances.
So even if it’s hard, scary, anxiety-riddled, it’s important to keep trying. Keep trying to connect with others, and forgive yourself if it doesn’t go perfectly. Baby steps may be important here depending on how much this impacts you. Start with people you do have a good relationship with and maybe in smaller groups, or even one on one.
RESILIENCY OR INNER STRENGTH
I’ve read it stated as both, it’s that ability to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going with a sense of renewed optimism or a more focused mindset to accomplish whatever it is you’ve set out to do. This may not come easily for everyone, but remember, everyone fails, everyone falls and the most successful people on earth failed more times than they can count before becoming successful. It will take time and effort, but you can develop, refine or strengthen that resiliency so that you too can get up, dust off and carry on.
YOU CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS RATHER THAN LETTING THEM CONTROL YOU
Feelings aren’t facts….let me repeat that…….feelings aren’t facts. No matter how true they feel, no matter how hard it feels to argue with them, the feelings you experience are not pieces of factual information. When we allow our feelings to control us, they can very much take over.
I think for this you need to first identify when the feelings of anxiety or unease are starting and you need to intervene. There are many ways to do this including breathing techniques for stress management, grounding techniques, positive self-talk and more. Find what works for you and use it, the sooner you recognize the feelings and step in, the better.
ACCEPT THE FEAR/ANXIETY
Just accept it. The fear or anxiety is there, it’s not going to disappear overnight, it’s there. So accept it. Acknowledge to yourself that you’re feeling that way, and then stop dwelling on it. Beating yourself up over it will likely make it worse. Now you’re not only feeling anxious, but you’re also feeling like you’re not “normal” or like there is something “wrong” with you. This can unfortunately lead to the proverbial rabbit hole that just keeps going and the self-criticism may not be limited to just the fear.
Acknowledge it, accept it and focus on moving past it.
WORK ON CONFIDENCE BUILDING
Building your overall self confidence can go a long way to strengthening your resiliency and ability to cope with awkward or less than ideal situations. Practice self-care, work on your goal setting and achieving, learn a new skill, meditate, work on positive self-talk. These are just some ideas of things you can do to increase your self-confidence. Most importantly, work on self-forgiveness, let go of past hurts, let go of shame and guilt for past choices. You’re not perfect, but no one is, you’re human and we’re designed to make mistakes.
XO Sabrina
