I Don’t Need Help…You Need Help!

So, I don’t know about you, but this is an area that I struggle with. I am a caregiver, I show my love by doing things for others and always want to help anyone around me who is struggling in any way, be it getting things done, physically or emotionally. I sometimes even go so far as to over-extend or over-commit myself to helping others, leaving me feeling overwhelmed. Even then, the likelihood that I’ll tell someone no, that I can’t help for whatever reason is slim to none. On the off-chance that I do say no for some reason…..well that’s a week’s worth of guilt that I then have the opportunity to deal with. 

I realize that this isn’t ideal, this isn’t healthy or helpful for me, or for the people I want to help. They say that boundary setting is important, and that it’s okay to say no, but honestly, I sometimes feel like that is soooo much easier said than done!

I have realized though that I need to start doing this, and maybe you do too. I don’t like asking for help in any area. Sometimes, I think it has something to do with never having been comfortable with it, asking for help and either being denied or being made to feel like I’m asking too much. Of course there have also been times when the person I’m asking was more than happy to help, but I think I took the negative responses more personally than I should have. 

How is not asking for help unhelpful to you?

 I’m going to start with this piece of the puzzle, because the advice that was consistently shared with me by the interviewees was to take care of yourself, love yourself and be kind to yourself. So we’re going to focus on ourselves first here. 

When we’re feeling like we can’t or don’t want to ask for help, in my experience, whether it’s with a task, emotionally or physically, it can leave you feeling isolated and alone. When you’re the person that other’s ask for help, and you feel like you can’t do the same in return, it can potentially lead to a feeling of resentment. You can end up feeling overwhelmed, anxious, unsure of what to do next or how on earth you’re going to get it all done. 

I know that for me, when I start to feel overwhelmed with things that I need to get done, I end up doing less than I should, because either A) I don’t know where to start B) Napping is easier than doing any of it. 

You NEED to ask for help when you have a lot to accomplish and need the extra hands, when you need to talk, when you physically need to complete something. I know it can be scary, I have a big fear of rejection and have certainly asked and been denied more than my share, but you don’t need to feel like you have to do it alone. 

Asking for physical help with things is probably the easier type of help to ask for. Frankly, if everyone says nope, they can’t help, you can either reach out to local social service agencies for help, or maybe you can afford to hire someone (e.g. think babysitter, housekeeper, home handyman etc). You can also sometimes find support in local social media groups, and ask for help, but be wary before providing any personal details to strangers, as you  don’t need the additional problems of being scammed or worse. 

Emotional and mental health or support can be harder. Not only are you put into a position of feeling vulnerable (not a big fan of that here lemme tell you), but there is also a very real fear of rejection. The struggle of, how much do I tell them? And what if they’re too busy? Am I bothering them by asking? 

I encourage you to take the chance, talk to someone, and if you don’t have a lot of close friends / family to reach out to, then look for and access support through other means. A lot of licensed therapists have sliding fee scales, some social services offer free counseling, and if you’re fortunate enough to have benefits through work that include counseling services, use them. A lot of employers even have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), that may offer some short term counseling options at low to no charge to employees. 

I do understand that accessing free services can have a lengthy wait time, try and have patience, this is an area that is severely underfunded in most areas, I imagine even in most countries. If something is happening that you just cannot wait to speak to someone, please look up your local Distress Centre phone number. Distress Centres are free services that officer immediate counseling, usually over the phone and generally have a toll free phone number. YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOU DESERVE THE HELP THAT YOU NEED!

How is not asking for help unhelpful to others? 

I think this is an important thing to discuss, as in those moments, when we don’t want to bother others, or we’re afraid they’ll say no, we don’t think about this aspect. In the same way that you want to, and likely have, helped others, some people WANT to help you. 

Maybe the reason someone said no was because they couldn’t afford the help you’ve asked for in the past. I don’t necessarily mean this in terms of money, but maybe they had too much on their own plates and they just didn’t have the time…at that time. A lot of people want to help, and especially if you’ve helped them before they really want to help you. They just don’t know you need the help when you need it (in my case, probably because I didn’t ask). 

When it comes to talking to people, and needing emotional or mental support, the reason some people shy away from that is that they don’t know what to say. They don’t feel comfortable because they feel unqualified. If you’re ever the person in that position, I encourage you to listen and to remember that it’s okay to not say anything, or to even explain that you’re not sure what to say.

The power of having someone to just listen to you is incredible sometimes. 

Finally, sometimes when we don’t let the people that care about us know that we need help, they may experience that feeling of rejection. They may question why you didn’t call them, or let them know. I don’t say this to make you feel any kind of guilt, but to remind you, that you are not the only person that questions these things, and let’s face it, you know how crappy it can feel to wonder about these things. 

Listen, I’m not saying to rush out and ask every person who will listen for help with every little thing. I mean, if you want/need to, then please go ahead! Know that you will likely experience that rejection at least a couple of additional times in your life. The reality is though, that just like others don’t know just how much we’re dealing with, we also know just as little about them. Don’t take that rejection personally (this will take a lot of practice and reminders to self, but it’s doable with the practice!), just remind yourself that the person you asked might just not have the time or energy right now. 

Try your best to think through a list of people you know personally that you could turn to if needed. Decide, based on your relationship with them, what kinds of help, if any, you would feel comfortable asking them for. If you do this, then your list is ready if the need arises. I know this sounds cheesy, but seriously, if you don’t have to think about who to ask for help, it makes it a much simpler process when it comes time.  

If you’re in a position where you don’t have any close friends or family to turn to, start researching local supports or services to you. You may never use them, and there would be far too many here for me to try and list, but at least you know what is out there in your community that you could access if the need ever arose. 

Whichever way you choose to form your list, tuck it away, or if you have an amazing memory, don’t even write it down, maybe just having formally thought of it will make it easier to remember. We all need help sometimes, and when we’re doubting if we should ask, having that idea list ready makes the first few steps a lot easier. 

XO Sabrina